On the Mend

     I've been on Maui for seven days now. For the most part, I've been able to keep my feelings in check. In those few and rare moments though, I feel like I am going to break--either by myself or in front of others. Thoughts of him...of us come a little more often here since I am now living on the isle where we spent the first week of our marriage. However, in these seven days I've visited many of the places we spent time together...and I don't feel him here. His ghost, unlike home, isn't here. Maybe it was our temporary existence here on the island or just the realization that even then he didn't truly love me and was foreseeing the day in November where he would break me. Or perhaps I've just pushed him so far out of my mind that I could care less to see him here. I'll take that option over the other two, and I'll keep walking forward. Because for all the pain he's caused my psyche and heart, he's the reason I'm relaxing under the Maui sun today. He isn't here anymore, and I don't want him to return.

People keep asking me, "Why are you here on Maui?" And my answer-- it is time to heal.

     I took my chance and ran with it-- as far as I could to begin again even if it meant retracing those initial steps.
How else could I have spent the last two days:
hitching to the other side of Maui,
camping on the beach beneath the stars,
walking through the streets day and night,
swimming in the ocean,
climbing cliffs,
jumping off cliffs,
searching for sea turtles,
making new friends,
walk unknowingly onto a nudist beach,
having conversations with complete strangers,
enjoying the comforts of a couch,
and enjoying the company of Kawai, who's lived here his entire life growing up in the waves.

And I lived. Each and every moment, I soaked it all in. I allow the memories to stain because I want to keep them forever. 

     None of that possible without stepping out my front door. Taking that leap. Self-reliance is attainable here for me; I've been given the chance to see new things, find new people, new victories, and new problems. And I get to work through each of them.

     "We're too young to be afraid, to fly like mourning doves." 

   
     I listen to this line almost daily as I have Mikky Ekko's new album playing on repeat.

     I believe we are all too young to just give up because of the situations we live in. Tomorrow is unpromised, but it is new none-the-less, a chance to rethink, regroup and step forward. Out one door and into another or just a chance to step outside into the hot weather and enjoy that great ball of fire in the sky.

"Savor little glimpses of God's goodness and His majesty, thankful for the gift of them: winding pathways through the woods, a bright green canopy overhead, and dappled sunshine falling all around."

Take a Moment

“Remember what Bilbo used to say: ‘It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.”

Tolkien knew what he was talking about when he penned those words, even while writing a fantastical novel about the ages past of Middle Earth.

And isn’t life fantastic?

Seriously think about it. Focus on your situation. As you sit there, take a moment and notice you lungs expanding.

 You are breathing—taking breath—receiving oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide—inhaling. 

     You are alive. No matter the negative situation (or positive one) you’re in at the moment, you have life. Isn’t that something we really forget about? Day to day. Home to job to home. We fall into this routine of the mundane, everyday chores in life. Sure there might be a vacation here or there, a quick time to relax and catch breath, but other than that we go through our routine—our this is what we should get done today—this is what I should do with my life.

We almost don’t even make our own life schedules anymore.

     Birth. Grow. Learn (K-12). Extensive learning (1-12 years more). Job. Marriage. Advance in job. Throw kids in to mix it up. Save your money! Retire (if you can). Spend said money you have saved all those years. Die.

     In the end, 80+ years down the road you’ve come up with some crazy cocktail that society mixed for you and poured on the rocks. Maybe you added your own ingredients—maybe not. Life throws us curveballs. We either swing or let pass. My question to you is: are you really choosing your own mixers?

     Are you letting chances go by because of fear, failure, and the unknown? What would happen if you dove in? Skip the step about dipping toes in to check the temperature. You live with abandon. What could your life look like?

     Are you grounded in what you know and believe to hold true? Or are the winds of time and change as dictated by society taking you places? This is your story to tell, don’t let someone else take the pen. Too many people in this world do, and they miss out on what life can offer. Beauty that can be found in so many things if only we were to just take the time to breath and realize what is around us.

     Money comes and goes. Time will continually tick-tock away. Fashion changes. People walk out. Do you realize what is most important in this life? To deeply, sincerely, and with full abandon love those around you, and make it known to them. Society gives you a syllabus, and you hope you can make it through that course. Except tomorrow isn’t promised. As much as you hate uncertainty, the future is shrouded under the eve of tomorrow. All will pass. Our existence is purposeful, but will you really take the time to search for it? I dare you to. Take a leap of faith no matter how small. Walk off the edge. Take the offer. Plunge.

     And when you come up for air again...

 just breathe.

*** I thoroughly believe that you can use a quote from the Lord of the Rings for any situation in life and the words will have meaning. :)

Married and Divorced at 23

:::::

 

One does not find that statement as fact very often. That one, being me who never saw herself married at the beginning of her 20s, nor foresaw a quick renting of her six week married life. A laceration so sudden, deep and without remorse that her vows lay upon the ground like a severed appendage—or heart for that matter. Before I could grasp the beginning, the end engulfed me into waves of despair. 

Over. Gone. Finito. Terminado.

:::::

“But Go-

“What does that mean?” My little friend, Gabby, requested of me. Her inquiry was simple but the coming answer so deep and intricate. How should one explain it to an 8 year old? 

“Well do you see all the words around my necklace?” I said as I lifted the pendant from my chest.

“See, run, fly, jump, cry, laugh, lead, grow, love, fight, touch, leap, climb.” She read through them in her sweet voice. “And?”

“And,” I said, “It means to do all these actions but still GO. Make sure to live your life without anything stopping you. Go see things, do new activities.”

Later on she asked, “Why are you going to Maui?”

“Because right now in my life, I have the chance to and so I am going to take it.”

“Oohh…”

And so I am going to take it.

:::::

My heart had been ripped from my being, cast aside without a second glance. Maui had become my light at the end of the tunnel—not that ending light where you step through into such an extreme warmth and glow at the end of your life that you know you’ve fallen into the Savior’s arms—but a light that had reached into my soul and drew me closer to its realization with every day, every tear, every passing moment of despair. I grasped it and let it bring me to the present moment in time. 

Within two weeks, I will once again enjoy the warmth and salt air of Maui, Hawaii. 

:::::

How do I describe divorce to you- my reader?  Sadly, the rate of this tragedy only seems to be growing in our culture. I do not need to repeat the statistics we hear. You know them far too well. I know too many families to count that have been stricken with it. I use such a verb because to me it has become a disease. Pervading our society and breaking down the family unit. Of all attacks used by Lucifer, Divorce, in my opinion, should be ranked in the top 5. What else could cause such distrust, hatred, breakage, hopelessness or sadness? Families torn apart in so many directions.

Within one year I have watched my own family experience it, and ending my 2014 with a giant bang, I too have joined the statistic. 

But that does not define me.

My validation does not come from man or the mistakes made by him. My husband's choice to cheat, to leave me, to give up on our marriage, to say that he wanted out before it even began--it is not my fault. I gave what I could, as much as I could. Time and those around me have taught me that. I loved him deeply through his faults, through my faults.

Those tumultuous weeks I no longer want to describe. I have exhausted my language on that matter. Pain. Immeasurable pain is all I can use to describe it.

You are now reading this on the other side of it, and THAT is for the better.

:::::

I almost have to thank him. By leaving me in the mess that he did, I have grown from it. Stronger, more mindful of the people around me who matter most, more appreciative of the things that matter most in this life. 

And friends--that is life itself. Life matters greatly. What we choose to do with our days describe our lives as a whole.

I can only hope that my Savior-- my Christ, will use me fully in this life for those around me. For He gave it all for me so that I could live freely in Him and have a second chance at life. (John 3:16) I mattered to Him. He saw me before the world began. He saw you before your birth. And He loved us both. 

Life can bring so many second chances. I have another one to explore, to live, to love again. Oh joy, do I thank God for that. 

"If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart." - Oswald Chambers

To the ultimate purpose of life, I can only give you this answer:

{Whoah, geez, that escalated right? Purpose of life? But just hear me out...}

Matthew 22:37-40- "Jesus replied, " ' Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

How does that have anything to do with what one should do with their life? Does it seem to answer nothing to you? Think of it like this:

Each stage or season of our life brings good and bad, new and old. We might be unemployed or have the best job we could ask for, be single or married with 2.5 kids, heartbroken or happy, divorced or in a healthy relationship. What matters most in this life is not focusing on this one but the next. The eternal. That which will last and not be destroyed. 

As a Christian, I believe that by acting out those commandments, loving God, listening to Him and by loving those around us, we can live a purpose driven life. We need a "North" on our compass. I believe that God is the only true North. When we see Him, we understand this life-- and all the mess that comes with it-- more clearly. His light gives clarity beyond all understanding. With that light, we can better understand the life we live now and our purpose in it.

Philippians 4:6-7 - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

What we do here will affect many around us, positive or negative. It is our choice on what we say or do in this life. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 - "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

We have the choice on how to live out our days. 

So use it!!! Use your abilities, your chances, your time. Use it well. Do not let the tragedies of this life stop you from doing more, becoming more. You are worth far more than you know.

But Go... 

~L

Oh and my wedding photos came in....