Stateside

     I would not expect to be on a plane currently, with the hours passing toward a touchdown in LAX. 

I did not plan this.

    This turn of events has come like most in my life this past year—with uncertainty and my arms outstretched as I dive in. I am learning not to regret life or my decisions made; I dwell enough in my past. I am learning to look forward more often, but not with my heard over my heels. The road has turned, but I am walking on my own. My Type A personality has been thrown a curve ball this past year; I do not sit around and create detailed lists of what “I want to do.” I am just pursuing them. 

No more daydreaming. 

     For years I have wanted to “just go.” And I remind myself everyday that I am doing, going, becoming myself more and more with each passing day. I am in love with living, and the unknowing it brings.

     My plane lands in 2 hours, and in a few weeks, I am setting out on a new journey with a man I have only just met-- yet feel like I have known for many years. In this moment I cannot fully explain our connection, nor do I feel the need to explain my madness to others. I am not following him. I am going with him; joining him on his journey. He is pursuing me in ways I have not felt for a long time. Each of our life’s journeys have brought us together in an unlikely manner in Chile, 6,000 miles away from home. Factors playing out which I know would never have fallen together in the U. S. more wonderfully. My pursuit to go west sent me south first then 180 degrees north to see where life may lead with him.

Roads ever wandering on and on.

     Although I am returning to the states—one goal I wanted to avoid in 2015—I do not feel like I have failed myself. My longing for home and family has been tugging in my soul for some time now. As my journey takes me to foreign lands, my senses tell me that rest requires going home. 

"It is the instinct to return, to go to a place we remember. It is the ability to find, whether in dark or in daylight, one's home place. We all know how long it's been, we find our way. We go through the night, over strange land, through tribes of strangers, without maps and asking of the odd personages we meet along the road, 'what is the way?'"

Clarissa Estes

     Home, however, is no longer a physical place for me; it has become my head’s resting place at night—where I find myself comfortable. One lesson learned from my Chile trip is that when intuition tells you to leave—go. Do not vacate a place because you are scared of the future, leave because you are not growing. Go because life requires you to learn, to search out, to be amazed by meteorites in the sky, to see the vast blanket of stars tracing time in the universe, to hurt, and to love. Chile was beautiful, and the two months living there was an experience I will forever take with me. But my heart calls me home now, with the promise of my return to the southern end of the world soon enough in my timeline. 

     Again, my journey is far from over. Soon, with California as my origin, I will set out on a cross country road trip, vehicle still to be determined. And I cannot wait! I am ecstatic, for I have wanted to do this for a very long time now. Traveling the U.S. more extensively has been my dream for several years now, but my love for international travel has taken over more recently. My desires lead me to experience as much of this world as I can before my 100 years end. With this next chapter, I have a partner wishing to do the same and at the same point in his life even if our years vary. Discussing plans and researching ideas with him only fuels my fire to return stateside and begin our journey together. Searching his eyes strengthens my desire to be with him and to take him as he is, where he is, right now, right here. Unspoken words with unfinished sentences. And everything is right. My mind is determined, and I can make sense of my decisions. Maybe one day in the future I can complete my thoughts on him with full confidence, but for now, my time with him is enough for me—just as it always should be. Our paths brought us together for a reason. Only God has the ability to see time in fast-forward. 

One of my prayers is that life will stay this way—for a very long time. 

All That Glitters

"You are the sum total of everything you've ever seen, heard, eaten, smelled, been told, forgot-- it's all there. Everything influences each of us, and because of that I try to make sure that my experiences are positive." 

Maya Angelou

     No longer living the island life. I sit here writing one more time for the month of June in the Vancouver airport, amidst mountains on all sides. A beautiful setting for my soon-to-be destination, the Andes. Everything feels different. I am not on island time anymore. My writing while on Maui mostly consisted of the duality of circumstances or people. I believe it is right to share both sides of the story so that wisdom can come from all corners. These past few months on Maui have taught me many things, some I have expressed through written word and others, food for the soul--mine in particular-- that need not be shared aloud. As with all cover stories and experiences, there is always the negative that dances with the positive. Molecular forces on a grand scale.  Trillions of ions creating energy powerful enough to move mountains. Or people through and to mountains, metaphorically and quite literally. The highlights of my life on Maui have been as such--highlights. Positive experiences. Happy moments. Sights and occurrences that I presume have made those following my travels envious and perhaps in want of such outcomes in life. Not that I set out to cause such emotions in my friends, but I am aware that my traveling freedom has probably triggered various amounts of desire. And in so stating, I wanted to write about my negative predicaments, my lost causes, and my pain. Hopefully, to you my reader, I will not sound haughty in the end, only learned and humbled having reached this moment in my life.

     I love to run. I hate running. I love the free feeling. I hate the pain in my knees. I’ve run many miles. I injured myself a year ago causing physical therapy to become daily life for some time. My old injury flared again while on island. What gave me so much freedom was gone—intermittently through the course of these past 5 months. Back and forth my legs gave me trouble, literally, left to right-- each compensating for the other’s faults. Through hiking. Playing soccer. Running. Knee injuries are the worst. Traveling somewhere does not put the negative on hold, if anything, it only emphasizes it, because why should anything go wrong when everything seems to be going right?

     I spent money—a couple hundred dollars actually--- on a new tattoo. I love him. He’s beautiful and possesses so much meaning for me. Yet, he is injured, like I was. And for the moment, he is incomplete. Living damply in the jungle only breeds infection, and so, my beautiful, vibrant, blue humpback whale fell sick to a staph infection that ate away his color and life. Ask anyone who saw his degradation, and they can confirm how depressed I was because of it. He was disappearing under a festering wound. My body was fighting staph…on my NEW tattoo. Frustrating is an understatement. Hope was not on my mind for him.

     I lost a toenail. The whole thing, not just a chipped nail.

—Well now the count is at two, and hopefully will stay there. Now, now, before you call me a diva, here me out. I have NEVER lost a nail. So when I bruised both of my big toes from soccer/dropping ice chunks on them, please imagine how terrified I was with my recent history of infection. I COULD NOT—WOULD NOT get another one. So I tended to my new…bodily detachment. But once you lose one, the second doesn’t seem as bad. Just like a second child. The first survived, their sibling will too. I just compared parenthood to toenails. You’re welcome. I’m weird. You’re still reading my blog.

     I had three days before I was finished with my contract on prop that I had begun in January this year. 3 days. Then I was free to take my last week on Maui and explore… And a fever set in. Chills and sweats; all night long. Nausea. Migraine. E coli. Or at least that is what I believe myself to have contracted. Food sickness. From whatever I am not sure. If you have experienced such a tummy ache (putting it lightly), you understand what my week consisted of…but I’ll spare you the TMI details. –We’re getting personal now huh?

     Reading this far, you are either probably grossed out by my problems, feel some sort of sympathy for me or just #smh at my complaining/explanation.

So I will tie this in. Speak of the duality, as I always do.

    Life doesn’t stop because you’re injured or sick. It’s a wheel as heavy as the giant stone carved by cave men. And life never slows down; we are always gaining speed with each passing year. The whole kinetic energy concept. Yes, I spent an incredible five months on Maui, with stories too numerous to tell within a day or a week for that matter… But I had my peaks and valleys. My losses and gains. I was emotionally and psychologically healed. Physically injured…and healed eventually. Back and forth. Dueling charges, but bonding agents to teach life lessons—both sides of the story. Traveling/being somewhere exotic and new doesn’t stop the bad from happening. Heartbreak happens. Lies are told. Relationships torn apart. Knees hurt.

     And we keep living. Keep stepping. Striving forward. Clambering out of the last valley to smell that crisp, mountain breeze at the summit. Panoramic views of hindsight and lessons. Beauty in the negative and the healing that comes afterward.

At home or on the road, please, please do not let the hardships of this life define you or control your actions. Your past hurts are not your definitions. You define yourself. Chart your own course. Follow it. Go off course. Learn a little. Learn a lot. Explore the everyday mundane. Take a leap of faith. Just keep that heart wide open and head held high, your best and worst days are yet to come.

**The less poetic things I learned while being injured…

     Garlic is like magic. Used/eaten raw can help cure so many different ailments. Look up its chemical properties, it will astound you. Your breath/body will stink…but you will feel better. Bacteria doesn’t stand a chance.

     REST YOUR INJURIES. We all want to rush around, but we also need our “island time,” some R&R for the soul. It does a body well to do nothing every now and then… Remember to RICE yourself: Rest, ice, compression, and elevation.

     Cranberry juice is disgusting…and I’m talking about concentrated, no filler, un-sweetened, all natural cranberry juice. It’s a cleanser though, and it will help detach E Coli bacteria from your intestines. Still TMI Laura…

     My whale looks like he went through a battle with a shark…or at least a zombie. He’s healed, and I am no longer infected. He’s lost color, and I will need a touch-up. And I have to be patient about that, because my skin wasn’t healed enough to be worked on again before I departed island…so until next time Maui… 

     Your toenails grow back. Don't worry; they just take weeks to do so...

"It's a dangerous business going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to." 

Bilbo Baggins

Here's to my next step; it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been... 

Weaving Life

Invisible, intricate, endless fibers are continually being woven together into a beautiful tapestry.

Life.

A chaotic birth transitioning into a calming death.

Full of surprises, cross-stitches, tears, re-dos, and magnificent colors.

     Each tapestry is not specific to any locale. We all possess one. How we choose to weave our life is what defines us. The exciting or depressing part- however, you wish to view it- is that our own personal tapestry has an unseen end and countless lines of work that exude pride or regret. Albeit, these tapestries are our own, but we borrow, take, or give away many different threads to those we meet along the road in life. A tapestry might consist of family and hometown or it might expand to a foreign thread found in another part of the world. A gem unearthed in your travels.

     Wear and tear included but not defining. A cord soaked in dirt and grime but still an exploitable, working knowledge of events.

Life to me is an exciting roller coaster.

Peaks and valleys.

A plethora of events. 

     Since arriving on Maui, I have experienced countless knits into my tapestry. Many people have poured into me their knowledge, emotions and support. Similarly, I have been able to give back my own outlook and knowledge to those I meet. Personal growth and lengthening of my tapestry has been a daily occurrence for me. However, my days on island are waning, and those I have grown close to are departing as well.

     And with that a whole slew of new experiences and people have been added to my daily life. Mirroring the damp, jungle weather, melancholy of days gone by have been stirring the emotions in my brain.

We are always in the flux of loss and gain. Such is life and the hours that become us. A terrific beauty of human existence. 

     With my departure from Maui settling on the horizon of June, I can look back with confidence and awareness toward the path of positive growth I have been walking on since my arrival here. Although I am always working on my tapestry and personal journey, I acknowledge my Creator behind me, guiding my hands and at many times taking over for me. I believe life cannot be fully interpreted unless you can see the 20/20- the “where you came from.” God, I believe, is constantly weaving the human existence and our world. I do not think that this life is a chance happening. Every event has meaning and a purpose. My perspective, I recognize, will not relate to all of my readers, friends or family, but I believe my words must be spoken. As humans, communication is vital for advancement and new ideas. A creator is essential for creation. Just like we are crucial for our tapestry to grow. Constant weaving in and out, ebb and flow, wax and wane. Infinite filaments of experience floating softly in space waiting for hands to take hold of.

 

With Earnestness

“What I have found with the people who pick me up is sincerity. For they wouldn’t have stopped unless they wanted to help me.”

Sincerity—freedom from deceit, hypocrisy or duplicity; earnestness.

     This state of being—of living—is an attribute I am striving for in my life and one I am seeking being lived out by others in this world. Kindness is the basis of sincerity, but one can be kind and intend no further acting emotion. But I believe sincerity permeates much deeper within a human. It is a constant subconscious action to treat your fellow human with compassion and meaningfulness. My fellow hitchhiker struck gold when he spoke of the sincere deed of picking up complete strangers off the side of the road. "Before they see you on the shoulder of the road, their mind is already made up on whether or not they would pick you up. --It takes a sincere person."

Being an independent traveler, I must rely on the kindness of strangers. Living here on Maui has taught me this fact more than I would have learned in my controlled environment I call Tennessee. Since January, the people I have met on island have affected every trip, town and day.

My hiking partner, once a stranger, has become my friend through our time traveling and exploring this island.

The marine biologist group of hikers at our campsite freely gave us breakfast, conversation and positive vibes our first morning in the Haleakala crater.

John from California, who hiked the same strenuous Kaupo Gap descending from the crater and shared a campsite with us the second night, gave us laughs, advice, food and late night conversation.

The myriad of people who give me rides along the Maui highways.

All based on the reliance and trust of absolute strangers to be sincere in their actions. Fleeting interpersonal moments with other humans living under the same great, beautiful, blue atmosphere.

If I can give any advice to fellow travelers, live your journey with sincerity and an open mind. Self-reliance is a grand quality to possess, but the capability to trust others is also a worthy attribute. 

Vernal Repercussions

     The spring equinox of March 20, 2015 came and faded with the wind. This day marking the new season of growth and renewal has been in effect for near two weeks now, and yet, I never felt it. At least not here in Maui, where the seasons rarely deviate too far from warm to hotter summer all year round. Twelve hour days are in abundance here. Rising with the sun and falling asleep near 9:00 each day. And we call ourselves young…

     But here, on the 31^st of March, the sun setting low before April swings open a new door, I do indeed feel change. “A new leaf” I shall say. Spring and transformation is in the air. These hours of the 31^st of March will culminate a new direction in my life—one that will take me far and wide, just as long as I keep my arms spread open for the world. Today I opened the envelope for the legal freedom of my young divorce.

I am no longer married.

I am once again single.

I am once again alive—living out my 20s for new experiences, people and places to behold.

     To say that I felt sadness when I opened the postmarked document would most certainly be a lie. My only thought was relief and opportunity, with only the world ahead of me. I have cried the tears of confusion and sorrow and unmistakable pain. I came here to Maui for a rejuvenation and rewriting process. Although that process is far from over, I will not let the demons of melancholy and depression take hold of me. I came to Maui to be Laura again.

To live. To breathe. To experience.

     And so I am. The next chapter of my book begins early tomorrow morning as I ascend to an elevation of 10,023 feet to the summit of Haleakala National Park and then dive near 2,500 feet into its crater. Haleakala is known as the “House of the Sun” due to the Hawaiian legend where Maui, a demigod, captured the sun within the crater, releasing it only when the sun promised to travel more slowly across the sky.

     In part, we are like the sun. Moving day through day consistently on the move. Subconsciously willing our lives to end sooner. Filling it more and more each day.

New tasks. New fillers. New objects of fascination.

We need to be caught. To be wrestled into the earth. Forced to ruminate within our beings.

     So that we can be re-enraptured with the beautiful life laid out before us. The troubles of my life from this past year will be left here in the night as this sun sets, and I will take the necessary step forward tomorrow as the sun rises and I descend into the bowl of time worn erosion. My trip around the moon landscape of Haleakala will push me forward into Easter weekend and the reminder of the one death that gave me second chances again and again in this life. A death that brings complete renewal to those who believe in Him.

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only son, and that whosoever believes in Him shall be saved.” John 3:16

Loved. Gave. Only. Whosoever. Believes. Saved.

     One for the greater life of many. Jesus Christ, a God who could have chosen a life in the cosmos forever separated from His creation, took the form of a human here on earth in order to walk the dirt He created, to speak to those He created and to love the many things of this world He created. Loved and betrayed by those He came to save, Christ gave up his breath in order that ours could be saved for eternity. For something beyond this world. A time for second chances indeed...

     The first week of April will usher me around the next corner of my life. A 90 degree turn filled with anticipation and wonder for what 2015 will continue to bring me. I hope the waves of Maui overtake me and refresh my spirit into tomorrow’s sun.

DRD4-7R

     "If you were anyone else, I'd question what you are planning to do. Go off and leave everything. But this is Laura. You've always been one to go and travel to see new things. Ever since high school, you have done this. This isn't a 'running away from your problems' situation for you. You're just doing what you have always done." 
I visited my high school guidance counselor shortly before I left the mainland for Maui, and I had relayed to her my recent life events of happiness, heartbreak, loss and the present state of divorce I was living in. Like always, she gave good advice.

-------------------------------

     I had questioned multiple times in my mind and aloud my reasons for leaving. For bursting out of the comfort zone I had built for the last five years. Getting up and deciding that I would leave it all behind. My rear view mirror filled with my now scattered family, friends, job, "home"-- what my life was until this point. Was it called "running away?" Escaping my problems? Or was I taking the first step to recovery? By removing myself completely, I knew that I could begin the mending process. 

• Would I still face pain? Yes.
• Would I still hurt because of the memories? Yes.
• Cry alone at night? Yes.
• Grow into my future? Yes.
• Learn to begin again? Yes. 
• Live again? Yes. 
• Smile once more? Yes.
• Be Laura-- whole, unrelenting, happy, satisfied, full of life Laura again? Yes.

   
     I knew all of these verbs and adjectives to be true. I would live again. Outside of my pain and fear. On the other side I would be better for it.

--I am better for it. 

Here in this present moment, I know I am. 

-------------------------------

     Ms. Poole, my guidance counselor, knew this. She saw my early adolescent development. She saw potential in me although my future was uncertain. She knew that whatever circumstance I faced, I would make it.

     Am I running? Yes. But I am not running away. I am running toward the life my future will bring. My steps are quick to bring me out of the pain of the past. I will carry it, but I will not allow it to be a burden.

"The sun still rises, even with the pain." -The Head and the Heart

     "But this is Laura." Laura is restless. She travels. She's thirsty to learn, to see new sights, to explore a different culture. She'll use the excuse of having the DRD4-7R gene, a sliver of DNA that causes one to wander and lust after travel. 

Wanderlust: a strong desire to travel: a man/woman consumed by wanderlust.

     "This DRD4 gene involves the dopamine levels in the brain, which is linked with motivation and behavior" (J.B. Lichter) Thanks to Dani Scott, the recent article covering this gene has been reposted across Facebook feeds in the past several days. Discovering this gene to call my own has given new validation and wonder to my traveling self. If this so called "travel desire gene" pulses through my veins, then I'll allow it to propel me forward. 

     Adrenaline rushes, eyes wide open, new corners to turn, precipitously falling into the unknown. Pioneering my own future. Unwritten pages. I am satisfied with this life I call my own. 

I'll continue to wander into the unknown.
I'll continue to run. 

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" 

- Helen Keller

Young and Against the Current

“Let there be a vaulted dome in the midst of the waters, 

and let it cause a separation between the waters.” -Genesis 1:6

A hazy line, which one could deem as the horizon, lie on the distant, deep ocean before me as I stared at the junction of sky and water. One lending its dull blue-grey hue over to the next. My feet solid on dry ground—the following scene in God’s Creation story aforementioned—but my mind wandered out to sea.

Lost, but with purpose; solidarity of mind and body.

What did that feel like?

I could only create my own assumptions from the logs of seafarers past. What was the world like when vessels were not powered by steam nor engine. In the days of Joshua Slocum, the horizon must have seemed endless.

Hopeful but also hopeless.

Boats always against the current. In search of that elusive future—that distant shore.

Deep sea. A place where one could rest and find solace in the peace of the air and the calm of the blue sky above.

____________________________

The dreary mood of the early morning burned away by the still rising sun and the cooking of oatmeal in a pot set upon a bed of ancient lava rock. A bottle of wine to send the ½ cup packet of oats down. And why not? What other drink would best suit three wanderers besides an aluminum chalice of blue ribbon beer, a taste I am not fond of and which lent to the purchase of bottled beverages instead.

For in our field of solid lava, we are young— a direct contradictory to the igneous rock beneath our feet. The crashing waves beat against the cliff walls, percussion for our morning. Drums of the deep— glacial blue waters cast into pure white sea foam above our heads. Engulfed but not drenched.

We were soaked from the night before, however. Plans never made to begin with had to be remade, our options endless but ludicrous each in their own way. Like sardines we kept one another warm in our sleep the night before, though only I can attest to both warmth and dryness. Only accomplished through the sacrifice of comfort by my tent-mates.

We experienced. Laughed hysterically at nothing. Acted like children. Walked with fervor amongst the old bones of a violent volcano. We lived. Explorers in our own right. Christopher McCandless wrote while on his final life journey, “Happiness is only real when shared.” And nothing could be more true. I experienced it—the feeling of happiness, contentment amongst good company. What use are 50 foot waves crashing above you, salt water rushing to your feet, birds soaring above, or sheer cliff drop-offs to steal your breath away—what use for these things if you cannot experience them amongst friends?

“Friendship brings people close no matter how great the distance between them.”

I know them now. Our steps one after the other as we hiked. New pieces of their story falling into mine. Different backgrounds, interests, families, opinions, but one goal in mind—to familiarize ourselves with this world. To see places unbeknownst to our eyes until now. Leave home, sail away. We are those pioneers of old. Responsible only to ourselves. Our frontier before us—Hazy and grey. And a horizon sits far in the distance and is what we work for. We row on, beating the current, breaking free.

Becoming who we are meant to be.

“Two paths [rivers] diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, 

and that has made all the difference.” -Robert Frost